Issues #040 - #059

#040: Hukd on Fonix Workd 4 Me!

The Issue
@@NAME@@ has a serious problem with poor literacy rates among 12-18 year olds, which many parents and teachers blame on the current state of the education system and lack of government funding.

The Debate
1. Boot Camp instructor @@RANDOMNAME@@ stated his opinion: "Who gives a damn? Makes 'em easier to turn into brainwashed grunts anyhow! You don't need to be able to read in order to fire a gun! What we need to do is focus on our military spending - what does it matter if you can read or not when you're overrun by warmongering barbarians?"
The result: needs to be updated

2. On the other side, there's @@NAME@@'s Education Administrator. "This is shocking news. If the children of tomorrow cannot read, then what? Next thing you know, we'll be speaking ebonics! The government must devote more efforts to education! Where will we be twenty years from now with an overflow of unskilled labor?"
The result: needs to be updated

3. @@RANDOMNAME@@, principal of a highly-rated private school, prefers a different approach. "Instead of that, why not issue government vouchers so that parents can afford to send their children to privately run schools? We offer a far better education than the public schools. All we do is grind our particular religious views into our students!"
The result: needs to be updated

4. "Who needs some fancy-shmancy cash-draining school system, anyway?" @@RANDOMNAME@@ declares from the front steps of his double-wide mobile home, shotgun in hand. "My Pa raised me and my eight brothers and three sisters without no waste of time schoolin'! My Pa taught me everythin' I need t'know, let all these whippersnappers' Mas and Pas teach 'em what they need t'know!"

The result: needs to be updated

#041: Software Giant Stomps on Competition

The Issue
The CEO of @@NAME@@ software, hardware, and electronic headwear giant Microcosm, Inc. has been brought before the Supreme Court for violation of antitrust laws.

The Debate
1. "These allegations are absolutely ludicrous!" shouts Microcosm CEO @@RANDOMNAME@@ from out the window of his 90-foot stretch limo. "Just because rival companies are incapable of producing products as brilliant as mine is no reason to punish ME! I say it's high time we abolish these idiotic antitrust laws and give big business the freedom to serve the public better. After all, I'm in this business for the people!"

The result: small businesses are gobbled up almost daily by corporate giants.

2. "Microcosm must be shut down immediately," argues CEO of Computers, Computers, Computers! @@RANDOMNAME@@ from out the window of his clunky, exhaust-choked used car. "I can't get a foothold to compete in the market because those bigwigs in Microcosm have that foothold by the throat! It's high time the government stepped in and helped out the little man, and the best way to do that is to shut down the big, oppressive, corporate gurus in Microcosm and beyond."

The result: the government has begun breaking all large businesses into thousands of mom-and-pop general stores.

3. "Verily, I say unto thee, none of this would have happened wouldst thou not have stopped the problem before thou didst start it," argues Brother @@RANDOMNAME@@ of the @@NAME@@ Amish community from out the window of his horse-drawn carriage. "We must doest as the Lord commandeth and abolishest the evils of computers and the Internet entirely. Only whenst we harken unto the Lord's commandments mayeth we truly be spiritually blessed."

The result: citizens frequently whisper of the Internet as 'the domain of the devil'.

#042: Turn Down That Racket, Say Morality Police

The Issue

A group of concerned parishioners and soccer moms has petitioned the government of @@NAME@@ to outlaw heavy metal music, which they fear is a bad influence on youngsters.

The Debate

1. "Heavy metal music is a plague in our good nation and its God-fearing people!" argues local priest and easy listening advocate @@RANDOMNAME@@. "Just the other day, I heard a song by some group called Hell's Irate Puppies with a sinful quantity of bass and drum... oh, and there were probably some lines about killing parents, too, I'd imagine! It's vital that we ban this music, and remove this terrible influence from our children's lives! Think of the children!"

The Result: radio stations are forbidden to play anything with too much drum or bass.

2. "Whoa, man... what's with the, like, censorship and stuff?" asks @@RANDOMNAME@@, scruffy-haired bassist of the popular speed metal band The Destroyinators. "You can't, like, censor the music, man. That's how we express ourselves! Every bass beat is me baring my soul! Every howl is me complainin' about how my parents tried to kick me out of their basement! Besides, what's wrong with Satan? He's just misunderstood anyway. I say promote the arts, man!"

The Result: elevator music has been replaced by thrash metal played at maximum volume.

3. "You know, this heavy metal issue has me thinking," says @@RANDOMNAME@@, your brother, over your weekly game of cribbage. "If these long-haired freaks want to put out their devil-worshipping metal, why don't we let them? Of course, we'll put a little subliminal propoganda into every song... after all, don't these guys owe their freedom of expression to you?"

The Result: angst-filled teenagers are rushing off to buy government bonds for some odd reason.

#043: Prisoners Demand Elbow Room

The Issue

In a display of unity that can best be described as "highly unnerving," criminals and law enforcement officials alike are up in arms about recent overcrowding within prisons in @@NAME@@.

The Debate

1. "I tell ya, chief... this ain't good," mutters local police chief @@RANDOMNAME@@ over his morning cup of coffee. "I see these no-good mohawk-wearin' punks every day, and they're a dangerous bunch. They gotta be locked in their mudholes forever! If we can't afford to keep 'em in prison, I say we need more money! Let's just casually shift some funding from elsewhere; after all, it ain't like our welfare program is helping keep these kids away from crime."

The Result: gigantic new prisons are springing up all over the nation.

2. "How can these wayward individuals find their inner selves by staring at the walls within a stone cell?" challenges human rights activist and local prison license plate maker @@RANDOMNAME@@. "The nation's budget is absolute proof: we cannot afford prisons... strictly because of their immorality! Let these caged birds breathe the sweet air of freedom again! Shut down all prisons in @@NAME@@!"

The Result: all prisons have been eliminated.

3. "Now hold on just a second here," says @@RANDOMNAME@@, CEO of @@NAME@@'s most widely-known pizza delivery chain, Papa Pallocci's Pizza Pagoda. "You've got a problem with prisoners, and I've got a problem finding employees. Why don't you just send some of your criminals to Papa Pallocci's? We'll put 'em to work at lower pay as punishment for their crimes! I win, you win... the economy wins!"

The Result: needs to be updated

#044: No Pain, No Gain!

The Issue

Due to the recent capture of a foreign terrorist in @@NAME@@, high-level military officials want the government to authorize torture to extract information about other terrorist activities.

The Debate

1. "Torture is the only way that we can get these idiots to tell us anything," says General @@RANDOMNAME@@ of @@NAME@@'s special forces division. "After all, violence is the only shared language we have with these scum."

The Result: torture is commonly used to extract information from suspected criminals.

2. "Are you kidding?" states political activist @@RANDOMNAME@@. "Torture never works. If anything, it should be outlawed. What do we want to become, genocidal maniacs?

The Result: torture is illegal.

3. "There's nothing wrong with torture, but we can't make it too obvious," says Secretary of Defense @@RANDOMNAME@@. "How about we simply ask them nicely, and then, if they don't tell us, we kill them? That's better just from the intimidation."

The Result: people regularly disappear off the streets and all evidence of them is destroyed.

#045: Baseball League Steps Up To The Plate

The Issue

The Batter Up! Baseball League has begun to grow in popularity and is now seeking government support in establishing teams and stadiums throughout the nation.

The Debate

1. "Holy cow, is this gonna be great!" hollers BUBL President and sports nut @@RANDOMNAME@@, wearing a fashionable giant foam finger on his right hand. "Baseball is just what @@NAME@@ needs right now! Think about it: soda, popcorn, hot dogs... oh, and I'm sure the economy will benefit somehow, too! All we need is the government funding to build stadiums and teams, and we'll be on every TV and in every city in the country!"

The Result: major cities shut down as their local sports team takes to the field every day.

2. "You're going to spend the taxpayer's money on WHAT?" counters Minister of Finance @@RANDOMNAME@@, from a newly furnished office. "I mean, I love playing a good game of baseball every now and then, but does the government really need to go around supporting this? The only people that are going to benefit are a bunch of fat-cat burger vendors and bored hicks with nothing better to do on Sunday afternoon! We need to stop spending so much money on these ridiculous games and get back to what's really important: running the business of the country."

The Result: the nation is experiencing a severe shortage of sporting events.

#046: Jennifer Government Censorship Row

The Issue

A new book, Jennifer Government, by Max Barry, has been causing quite a stir in governmental offices across @@NAME@@.

The Debate

1. "At first I liked the book," says famous politician @@RANDOMNAME@@, "but then it clearly turned out to be just a mockery of our government! This is brainwashing our citizens into thinking that they're being governed badly. I suggest we hang, draw and quarter the author of this book and take satires off the shelves!"

The result: needs to be updated

2. "Don't be silly" says book reviewer @@RANDOMNAME@@, "it's a great book and you don't necessarily have to take the views inside seriously! If anything, there should be more satires. Maybe then we'll get the right people in charge of this messed-up country!"

The result: needs to be updated

#047: The Great Wall of @@NAME@@?

The Issue

Due to the ongoing wars in neighboring countries, a recent rash of illegal immigrants have been caught at the borders of @@NAME@@, prompting many citizens to call for tighter immigration laws.

The Debate

1. @@RANDOMNAME@@ of the @@NAME@@ National Purity League says "These illegal aliens are just an eyesore with their strange customs and funny languages. Uneducated immigrants like these only worsen crime and steal valuable jobs! I say we should boot them all out on their ears and put a big fence around the country!"

The Results: a large concrete wall is being built around the country's borders.

2. @@RANDOMNAME@@ of the @@NAME@@ Civil Liberties Union says "We must welcome these refugees from any nation into our open arms, they are fleeing one oppressive dictatorial regime in the only way they know, we must not let them think they're jumping from the frying pan into the fire!"

The Results: refugees from other nations are flocking to NATION's border.

3. "Hold on there, hold on people!" says @@RANDOMNAME@@ of the @@NAME@@ Broadcasting company, "We don't have to take either extreme, all we have to do is make a TV game show out of it! We put deadly obstacles on the border and monitor it with television cameras! Those that make it across win freedom and citizenship, and those who don't, well, lets just say that our buzzards won't starve. We could call it 'Who Wants to be an Immigrant?'!"

The Results: the controversial show 'Who Wants to be an Immigrant?' has become wildly popular.

#048: Give Us Healthcare Or Give Us Death!

The Issue

A large group of @@NAME@@'s uninsured citizens have petitioned the government to provide a universal healthcare system, citing the poor health of many low and middle-class workers. Some of the more vocal of them are threatening violence if something isn't done.

The Debate

1. "A universal healthcare system would provide everyone with the same quality healthcare the more wealthy and well-insured currently receive," says recently laid-off citizen and civil rights activist @@RANDOMNAME@@. "Sure, taxes would probably have to increase a bit. But isn't it worth it to provide our lower-class citizens with the same opportunities the upper-class citizens have?"

The result: needs to be updated

2. "Are you all INSANE? This will ruin the health insurance business and drive up unemployment rates," argues @@RANDOMNAME@@, head of the largest insurance provider in @@NAME@@. "If everyone working for their health insurance could suddenly get it free, there would be fewer jobs filled. It would get worse for everyone involved. The government should investigate the motives of these troublemaking 'protestors', instead!"

The result: needs to be updated

3. "Why do we have to choose either radical option?" says your Secretary of Health, @@RANDOMNAME@@. "Couldn't we just provide limited basic healthcare for our citizens and have major operations covered by private health insurance? It would be more affordable and the poor would suffer less than they do under the current system."

 The result: needs to be updated

#049: Diving For @@CURRENCY@@s

The Issue

Divers from a local scuba club have discovered an enormous underwater gold deposit that could be worth billions of @@CURRENCY@@s in one of @@NAME@@'s lakes. It has also caused a huge debate over who should be allowed to plunder the goods.

The Debate

1. @@RANDOMNAME@@, a cabinet member, would like the government to seize the deposit. "This is an excellent time to boost @@NAME@@'s economy and increase our foreign trade with other countries! Who cares about the people that discovered the deposit? They've done their country a great favor and should let us have the money!"

The Result: the government seizes all major gold finds.

2. @@RANDOMNAME@@, a civil rights activist, vehemently disagrees. "The deposit was found by private citizens and it should be their choice of what to do with the gold. If the government goes around stealing what is rightfully ours, then I shudder to think I live in such a corrupt country. These people discovered the gold, it's now their time to get rich! Nevermind the fact they were diving in a lake on government property!"

The Result: citizens are regularly found digging for treasure in their gardens.

3. "We should do what now?" Environmentalist @@RANDOMNAME@@ exclaims. "Do you have any idea how damaging it would be to the environment to mine the gold under that lake? Think of all the aquatic life that would be disrupted or destroyed! Think of how an otherwise pristine lake view would be ruined! Forget the gold and keep those money-grubbing pigs away from nature!"

The Result: the mining industry has taken a hit from tighter environmental regulations.

#050: Whips, Chains, And Leather, Oh My!

The Issue

An organized crowd of leather-clad individuals, some of whom are on leashes, are protesting against discrimination for those who share their interests.

The Debate

1. "We happen to express our love differently, with different hobbies and activities," explains BDSM enthusiast @@RANDOMNAME@@, while wearing needle-sharp spiked heels and holding a whip. "Shops exist to cater to the needs of 'normal' people, but do you have ANY idea how hard it is to get a quality whip? A little support for our hobbies would be appreciated!"

The Result: a niche industry catering to S&M enthusiasts has sprung up.

2. "Yeah," exclaims @@RANDOMNAME@@, another enthusiast, wearing nothing but a collar, "and like other couples, we want the right to display our affection in public. If Master wants to take me walkies in public, he should be able to."

The Result: leather-clad individuals can be seen walking their slaves in public parks.

3. @@RANDOMNAME@@ dissents wholeheartedly. "This is not about showing affection--this is about moral decency. Think of the children, for God's sake! Think of the children! We must criminalize and eliminate this perversion to keep them safe. Which of course means a special task force to track down and capture these cretins!"

The Result: midnight raids drag couples from their homes in the name of decency.

#051: Streaker in Snooker Game Fiasco

The Issue

After a sixty year old man with psoriasis streaked past cameras and millions of sports fans during the snooker league playoffs, protesters have called for tougher action.

The Debate

1. "This can't go on!" says traumatized snooker player @@RANDOMNAME@@, "Children are watching sports and having them exposed to this lewd behaviour is unacceptable! I demand that these people be locked up for several years and maybe they'll have learnt their lesson!"

The Results: naturists are jailed regularly for indecent exposure.

2. "Oh don't be ridiculous!" scoffs prolific streaker @@RANDOMNAME@@, "It's all just a bit of fun and the kids shouldn't be wrapped in cotton wool, or they'll learn nothing! Sports are so dull anyway, it needs a little bare skin to liven it up. Streaking should be legal!"

The Results: streakers swamp all public events in order to bare it all.

#052: Is It Art Or Is It Porn?

The Issue

Vocal members of the Moral Minority have been complaining and petitioning the government about the new art gallery displaying several provocative nude portraits by several famous artists. Moral Minority members claim these pieces of work promote prostitution and indecent sexual acts.

The Debate

1. "Stop my children from looking at smut! These artists are only perverts pretending to be artists! Think of the children!" says @@RANDOMNAME@@, proud parent and member of Mothers Promoting Purity. "These artists are only going to rouse our innocent children to commit grotesque acts of immorality! Get rid of it all!"

The Result: artists regularly face criminal charges and art-burning parties are common.

2. "Well, I see that point, but we certainly don't need to ban inoffensive art, still lifes of inanimate objects and such," says your sister, @@RANDOMNAME@@. "Perhaps we should set some guidelines for what is acceptable as art and what isn't. Artistic renditions of people getting it on are one thing. A bunch of fruit in a decorative bowl is another entirely."

The Result: all artwork is carefully screened for offensive material.

3. "That is censorship!" says noted art history teacher @@RANDOMNAME@@. "You can't ban art! It's freedom of expression; it's part of our culture. If anything, the government should be supporting these artists and their work, not listening to these prudish whackjobs who are scared of a little bare skin!"

The Result: needs to be updated

#053: Orbital Armageddon?

The Issue
The space research organization in @@NAME@@ has requested more government funding for space-related research and development, and the possibility of creating orbital weapons platforms has become a topic of intense debate.

The Debate
1. General @@RANDOMNAME@@ says, "We should spend more. But not just on exploration. We should start developing Orbital Weapons! Space Marines! Armed Spacecraft! We would rule the region, and look cool doing it! Just divert some funding from environmental protection, and BAM! Sci-fi goodies!"

The result: needs to be updated

2. Noted Scientist and pacifist writer @@RANDOMNAME@@ thinks otherwise, "No! Space is a place for peace! It's the only place left we've got that we haven't screwed up. Oh, the space program still needs funding, don't get me wrong, but none of this 'military in space' stuff will do! We ought to divert funding from the military to education and space research instead!"
The result: needs to be updated

3. Fringe Group Leader @@RANDOMNAME@@ disagrees, "Space is a total waste of time. We should spend more on stuff people actually CARE about. Like voting rights and protecting the environment! Forget that fancy-schmancy space station!"

The result: needs to be updated

#054: Time To Put The Older Senators Out To Pasture?

The Issue

Many people are starting to think that it's time to put term limits on elected officials, given the average age of 70 years old and 40 years of service in the nation's Parliament.

The Debate

1. "It's time to get these lifetime politicians off the government payroll!" says term-limits advocate @@RANDOMNAME@@. "Let them get real jobs like the rest of us once they leave office. Besides, if they are currently a Senator, they can always run for another office like Governor. This gives people the right to elect whomever they want to run for office, just not the same office forever. It'll keep things from going completely stale!"

The Results: strict term limits have been applied to all elected offices.

2. "Wait a minute," says @@RANDOMNAME@@, chairman of the national Infinite Power party. "We pay a lot of money to get those people into office. It can take several terms before we get a return on our investment, I mean, candidates. We should extend the number of years for each term, not limit the number of times a person can serve in any specific office!"

The Results: elected officials often serve for decades in a single term.

3. Your aunt's mother's step-sister's best friend's hairstylist, @@RANDOMNAME@@, pooh-poohs the entire idea. "You know how to run your country, yes? Why deal with the hassle of elected officials and elections in the first place, yes? Eliminate elections and this entire term limit issue becomes moot, yes?"

The Results: elections are outlawed and a hairstylist has recently received a government appointment.

#055: Bigtopian Protesters Cry For Full Integration

The Issue

Bigtopian activists have staged a sit-in at the largest primary school in @@NAME@@ bringing education to a halt in a bid for integration and tolerance.

The Debate

1. "You know... it's not that we don't let them in... it's that they don't apply," murmurs Principal @@RANDOMNAME@@, nervously tugging at his shirt collar. "I mean, yeah, sure, if these Bigtopians lived around here... uh... we'd let them into the school. But... you know... this isn't exactly a Bigtopian community, you know? So... uh... could you please put a stop to these protestors? Oh, and, uh..." Here he leans forward and whispers. "... make sure those creepy Bigtopian protestors don't show up at my school again, okay?"

The Result: government police forces protect public schools from the threat of protest.

2. "The time has come for the dream of equality to be realized!" shouts noted Bigtopian rights activist @@RANDOMNAME@@, slamming his fist against your desk. "I see Lilliputians, Tasmanians, and Lord knows how many East Lebatuckese keeping my Bigtopian brothers holed away in their prisons of blindness and ethnic apartheid! The time has come for full integration! If these schools are going to keep us out, I say it's time we were bussed in!"

The Result: minority children spend hours bussing to schools miles away from home

3. "Well, that's all well and good, but it ain't well and good enough!" screams @@RANDOMNAME@@, leader of Bigtopians Rising Against Totalitarianist Scum, slamming his black-gloved fist against his podium during a recent pep rally. "We ain't just bein' kept out of their schools; we're bein' kept out of their neighborhoods! The oppressive majority fears us, but they can't hold us back any longer! The government needs to integrate the community as a whole by pushing out the majority and making way for a very loud, very angry minority!"

The Result: members of majority races are forced out of their homes to make way for Bigtopians.

#056: "Give Us Money!" Quoth the Poet

The Issue

The National Poetry Society of @@NAME@@ is demanding government-funded programs to promote the arts, especially poetry.

The Debate

1. "We need government help to promote culture." says @@RANDOMNAME@@, chairperson of the National Poetry Society of @@NAME@@. "Poetry is the soul of our nation, the very pulse of humanity! We will ultimately be judged according to our contribution to artistic enlightenment. In other words, please provide funding for our humble mission to bring the beauty of poetry to the masses!"

The Result: people reciting Shakespeare have become a common sight.

2. "Artists and poets should support themselves, like everyone else," replies @@RANDOMNAME@@, spokesperson for the Capitalism Now Party. "The suffering taxpayers should be given a break. In fact, we should abolish all government subsidies for special interest groups."

The Result: the government has cut its subsidies for all special interest groups

3. "Poets--who needs them?!" scoffs @@RANDOMNAME@@, Chairperson Emeritus of the Troglodyte Coalition. "These long-haired troublemakers should all be lined up against the wall and shot! That would be far more entertaining than reading some dumb poems!"

The Result: poets and writers are regularly rounded up and shot for entertainment.

#057: Electronic Plague in @@NAME@@!

The Issue
The malicious computer virus "DEAT.exe" is infecting nearly all the computers in @@NAME@@ and the people are crying out for the government to do something about it.

The Debate
1. "It's those horrible kids. Hacking in where they don't belong. You've got to give us more funding to put a stop to it," says @@NAME@@ Federal Police Chief @@RANDOMNAME@@. "Like with cars- ban kids from using computers until they pass a test and get a license!"
The results: needs to be updated

2. CEO @@RANDOMNAME@@ of CyberMirage Labs has a different idea. "Let us release SAL9000, our new AI, into the @@NAME@@ Network. It'll put a stop to this virus. Nevermind that it's still only an untested beta!"
The results: needs to be updated

3. "Yeah, wonderful! Fix a virus by releasing an AI that will likely turn on its creators? Are you people trying to get us all killed?!" Decries infamous technophobe @@RANDOMNAME@@, "What do we need computers for anyway? They will only bring us trouble and disaster! Personal computers ought to be banned!"

The results: needs to be updated

#058: Violent Violetists Demand Blood!

The Issue

Members of a new weird religious cult, called the Order of Violet, ask for the government to appease their mighty god by offering Her a sacrifice of the human variety.

The Debate

1. "What have we got to lose?" says religious freedoms advocate @@RANDOMNAME@@. "Just cut up a few homeless folk - it appeases this group's bloodthirsty Goddess, gets rid of unsightly bums that drain welfare, and everybody goes home happy."

The Result: homeless people are periodically found dead upon altars to assorted deities.

2. "We must go much further than a few beggars!" argues the overzealous High Member of the Order of Violet, @@RANDOMNAME@@. "You must pass a law that everyone's first born child must be slaughtered, on live TV if possible. Think of the viewing figures!"

The Result: "The Daily Sacrifice" is a routine segment of morning news shows.

3. "You aren't going to listen to these whackjob Violetists, are you?" comments @@RANDOMNAME@@ while leading a prayer group. "Human sacrifices! Surely we're too civilized to permit such barbaric practices! These lunatic fringe groups should be outlawed, and their leaders should be executed!"

The Result: a crusade against barbaric religious practices has begun.

4. "Who's being a lunatic?" retorts @@RANDOMNAME@@ of the @@NAME@@ Humanitarian Society. "I agree that these practices ought to be outlawed, but instead of sinking to the same level of these fanatics and killing our fellow people, why not simply start a re-education program? Even the worst person can be rehabilitated into a useful member of society, with enough time, care, and lots and lots of funding!"

The Result: the government pours millions of CURRENCY into rehabilitation programs annually.

#059: Drunk Driving On The Rise

The Issue

More and more, citizens are drinking before getting behind the wheel. A group of concerned citizens wants something done.

The Debate

1. @@RANDOMNAME@@, head of @@NAME@@'s chapter of Alcoholics Anonymous, says that drunk drivers need help. "Alcoholism is a nasty thing, a disease. The government has to help these poor souls to avoid the temptations of liquor, and wine, and beer, and hard cider, and brandy, and?" His eyes get a glazed far off look, "Where was I? Oh right, we have to help these people, not imprison them."

The Results: drunk drivers are sent to rehabilitation paid for by the government.

2. "That's lovely," says @@RANDOMNAME@@, a noted anti-alcohol advocate, "In a perfect world where rehab fixes everything. But this is the real world, and it doesn't bring back the victims. Drunk drivers kill people every day. If they take other's lives, the government must take theirs!"

The Results: drunk drivers are sentenced to death.

3. "All of those plans attack the symptoms, not the disease," says Minister of Transportation @@RANDOMNAME@@, "Alcohol is a curse, a poison sent by the Devil to tempt mankind. We cannot trust people to make decisions for themselves. The only answer is prohibition. Ban alcohol completely."

The Results: all alcohol is banned.