#000: Should Democracy Be Compulsory?
The Issue
In response to a slow news week, certain highbrow newspapers have stirred up the debate over voluntary vs compulsory voting.
The Debate
1. "Compulsory voting makes about as much sense as having the death penalty for attempted suicide," says civil rights activist @@RANDOMNAME@@. "You can't force people to be free! You can only give them the choice. Besides, if all those derelicts who can't be bothered to get off their butts once every few years voted, who would they elect? I shudder to think."
The Result: voting is voluntary
2. "It's not contradictory at all," argues political commentator @@RANDOMNAME@@. "The fact is, if not everyone votes, the outcome isn't truly representative. Some groups--like elderly gun nuts--vote more often than others. That's why we always end up with such terrible politicians."
The Result: voting is compulsory
3. "This raises an interesting issue," says @@RANDOMNAME@@, your brother. "And that is: why do we need elections, anyway? Seems to me it would be much simpler if you just decided what was right, and did it. Wouldn't that save everyone a lot of time?"
The Result: elections have been outlawed
#001: Where's The Love Gone?
The Issue
Last night the respected tabloid TV show "60 Minutes" ran a report on @@NAME@@'s rising divorce rate. What is happening to the nuclear family?
The Debate
1. "There's a simple solution," says Pastor Felix, of the Catholic Church. "Divorce should be illegal. 'For better or worse,' anyone remember how that goes? We should return to the good old days, when you got married for life and stuck by your partner no matter how much of a drunken, abusive, adulterating disappointment they turned out to be."
The Result: divorce is illegal
2. John Black, author of the hit book, 'Men are from Mars, Women are from Some Whole Other Place,' has a simpler solution. "If couples would just call each other 'darling' once in a while, there would be far fewer relationship breakdowns. A little affection is all it takes. So the government should make it mandatory: call your spouse 'darling' at least once a day, or face a fine."
The Result: married couples must call each other "darling" or risk a fine
3. "There's a simple way to boost the marriage rate," says gay rights activist @@RANDOMNAME@@. "Abolish those archaic laws that discriminate against same-sex marriages. It's obscene to treat people differently because of their sexual preference. Besides, everyone knows gay relationships are more stable than straight ones."
The Result: same-sex marriages are increasingly common
#002: Reclaim The Streets!
The Issue
Several major city streets were clogged with bicycles this morning, as the environmental group 'Two Wheels Good, Four Wheels Bad' staged a protest. Several hundred riders ambled through downtown streets, blissfully ignoring the torrent of abuse hurled at them by thousands of motorists running late for work.
The Debate
1. "People are sick of dirty, smelly automobiles," said protest organizer @@RANDOMNAME@@. "They're choking the city, the environment--our lives! Cars must be banned!"
The Result: cars are banned.
2. "The only thing people are sick of is long-haired idiots riding their bicycles at two miles an hour on major thoroughfares," says committed motorist @@RANDOMNAME@@. "People shouldn't be able to protest like this. The government needs to crack down on them."
The Result: bicyclists are banned from major roads.
3. The Automotive Manufacturers Association, meanwhile, has called for government support. "It's clear that we need to boost the level of automobile support in this country. This protest this morning is a clear indication of... um... anyway, we need more government funds."
The Result: the automotive industry soaks up huge government handouts
#003: Harry Potter Censorship Row
The Issue
The latest "Harry Potter" book to hit schools across @@NAME@@ has stirred up the greatest controversy yet.
The Debate
1. "I quite enjoyed the book, until I got to the part where Harry summons evil demons to do his bidding," says religious leader @@RANDOMNAME@@. "Now that's just wrong. We need to restore some sense to this debate, by which I mean we should remove this book from the shelves, salt it thoroughly, and burn it."
The Result: Harry Potter books are banned
2. Teachers union President @@RANDOMNAME@@ says, "Come on, the book is fantasy! And it's a damn good read. I'd like the government to issue a statement of support for our teachers and librarians, so kids can enjoy good books without interference from religious wackos, like Christians."
The Result: the latest Harry Potter book is a bestseller
#005: Child Casino Shock
The Issue
Children as young as eight have been spotted gambling in some of @@NAME@@'s seedier casinos.
The Debate
1. Social activist @@RANDOMNAME@@ is outraged. "Gambling needs to be outlawed immediately. It's no wonder children are becoming sucked into the vice, with adults setting such a poor example. Gambling is a stain on @@NAME@@'s international reputation and it must be stopped!"
The Result: gambling is outlawed.
2. However, Crown Casino chairperson @@RANDOMNAME@@ says, "What's wrong with children gambling? It prepares them for the realities of life, teaching them that success or failure is not due to hard work or intelligence, but the roll of the dice. Besides, if kids weren't gambling, they'd be spraypainting trains."
The Result: young children are regularly seen wagering pocket money at blackjack tables.
#006: Appointment Of Spiritual Advisor
The Issue
It's time for the government to hire a new religious advisor. Your people have narrowed down the candidates to:
The Debate
1. Catholic Archbishop @@RANDOMNAME@@: boasts an excellent track record, having rapidly increased church attendances in his constituencies through the "Reaching God Through Guilt" program. Seen as a solid choice.
The Result: the government is seen to favor Catholics
2. New Age thinker @@RANDOMNAME@@: a left-field candidate with some radical ideas. "For me, it's not about the name of your religion. It's about discovering your spirituality in whatever guise that takes. Some people call that a cult: I call it taking spirituality to the people."
The Result: the government's religious works are headed by a New Age guru
3. Finally, there's @@RANDOMNAME@@. "If I am awarded the appointment, I will immediately resign," the ex-schoolteacher has declared. "Because, frankly, God is a big load of hokey. I'll be doing everyone a favor by just shutting up about it."
The Result: the government is avowedly atheist
#007: Animal Liberation Front Strikes Again
The Issue
The increasingly militant Animal Liberation Front struck again last night, freeing dozens of chickens bound for delicious snack packs.
The Debate
1. "These nuts have got to be stopped," demands concerned consumer @@RANDOMNAME@@. "They need to face the fact people want snack packs, no matter how many innocent chickens must be sacrificed. Besides, chickens would do the same to us if they had the chance."
The Result: Animal Liberationists are regularly jailed.
2. "These Liberationists are highlighting an important issue," pleads @@RANDOMNAME@@. "Too often, animals are put through needless cruelty, just to make their flesh taste a little more deliciously succulent. I'm sure we could ban the more horrific abuses without putting too much of a dent in our national obesity figures. Couldn't we?"
The Result: meat-eating is frowned upon
3. "Animals have feelings too!" yelled protestor @@RANDOMNAME@@, before being set upon by hungry passers-by. "Free the animals! Ban meat-eating!"
The Result: vegetarianism is compulsory
4. Economist @@RANDOMNAME@@ has an alternative. "You don't need to take away the people's right to choose. You just need to build the costs of animal suffering into the price. A tax on meat-eating, in proportion to the amount of cruelty involved, would do the trick. Plus think of the benefit for the national coffers! Of course, poor people wouldn't be able to afford meat, but that's just more incentive for them to get jobs."
The Result: meat is a luxury afforded only to the wealthy
#008: Nudists Demand Time In Sun
The Issue
A loose coalition of sartorially-challenged individuals known as "Let It All Hang Out" has called on the government to relax public nudity laws.
The Debate
1. "For too long, our bodies have been trapped in these prisons of cotton and polyester!" yelled protester @@RANDOMNAME@@, while apparently developing a nasty case of sunburn. "We must repeal the puritanical laws that make public nudity a crime. My body--my choice to dangle!"
The Result: citizens can be frequently spotted going about their business stark naked
2. "I agree," mused sociology professor @@RANDOMNAME@@. "But I don't think the protestors are going far enough. Public nudity shouldn't be an option: it should be compulsory. Nudity is highly liberating. And it would put that disgusting "Hooters" out of business once and for all."
The Result: public nudity is compulsory
3. "Whoa, whoa," says noted accountant @@RANDOMNAME@@. "Are these people serious? The last thing I want to see when I'm out for a coffee is some lumbering, over-weight nudist coming down the sidewalk toward me. If people want to get naked, they can do it in the privacy of their own homes. Think of the children!"
The Result: nudity is frowned upon
#009: @@ANIMAL@@s On The Dinner Table?
The Issue
In a bid to provide a new revenue stream for @@NAME@@'s Beef-Based Agriculture industry, it has been suggested that @@ANIMAL@@s could be added to the menu.
The Debate
1. "The fact is, the @@ANIMAL@@ population is out of control," says Beef-Based Agriculture spokesperson @@RANDOMNAME@@. "We have to do something about them anyway, so why not market them as tasty snacks? We could have @@ANIMAL@@ kebabs, @@ANIMAL@@ pies, @@ANIMAL@@-on-a-sticks--the possibilities are endless! Let's not pass up this golden opportunity to provide a feast, if you will, for our economy."
The Result: ANIMALs are considered a delicacy
2. "I agree that something needs to be done about @@ANIMAL@@ over-population," says random passer-by @@RANDOMNAME@@, "but eating them? That's kind of gross. Let's just shoot the ones we have to and shovel their bodies into ditches like normal."
The Result: a nation-wide cull of ANIMALS is in effect.
3. "I am shocked and appalled!" declared SPCA President @@RANDOMNAME@@. "If anyone needs to be culled, it's us humans. The @@ANIMAL@@s were here first, remember? We need to take this as a sign to get our industry--agriculture in particular--to back off. The @@ANIMAL@@ is part of what makes @@NAME@@ a great nation!"
The Result: the ANIMAL is a protected species
#010: Social Inequality Reaching Embarrassing Levels
The Issue
Commentators have warned that @@NAME@@'s social inequalities threaten to make it an international pariah.
The Debate
1. "Look, I don't like it either," said Chamber of Commerce spokesperson @@RANDOMNAME@@. "Just on the way here, I had to step over three homeless people, and one of my shoes got caught on a beggar. But inequality is the price we pay for economic strength. If anything, we need fewer taxes, so those of us who are well-off can afford to be more generous. If we want to, that is."
The Result: the streets are increasingly clogged with poverty-stricken beggars
2. "I think we've forgotten what economic strength is all about," says social worker @@RANDOMNAME@@. "The economy is meant to be a means to a high standard of living, not an end in itself. It's become an excuse for the rich to prosper while the poor fall through the cracks. Not everyone is poor because they don't feel like working. We must provide more welfare."
The Result: the government is slowly introducing social welfare programs.
3. "Who says we're an international pariah?" demands military honcho @@RANDOMNAME@@. "What are their names? If that's the way the international community feels, we obviously need to prepare for war."
The Result: the country is preparing for war
#011: People Request Not So Much Dictatorship, If That's All Right
The Issue
While effusively praising @@NAME@@'s leadership and bowing repeatedly, a delegation has humbly requested that the government take a more "modernistic" view in the future.
The Debate
1. The High Minister for Finance, who also happens to be your brother, dismisses the claim. "What these people fail to realize is that you know what's best for them. The alternative is anarchy! I say stick to your course. And execute these wackos for treason."
The Result: political activists are routinely executed
2. "Perhaps the people could be given some more political freedoms," muses your Chief of Staff, who is your sister. "Is there really such harm in allowing public discussion of ideas? We could even have a real Opposition Party. One that isn't just full of your puppets, I mean."
The Result: the government is cutting back on the number of political prisoners executed each
#012: Death Penalty On Agenda
The Issue
Following a tragic double-murder, capital punishment has surged as an election issue. There now appears a real possibility that right-wing candidate @@RANDOMNAME@@, running on a "Do the Crime, pay the Penalty" platform, will gain power. While society's intelligentsia is outraged, debate rages as to whether the government should intervene.
The Debate
1. "This is a democracy, remember?" rhetorically questions Professor @@RANDOMNAME@@ of the University of Greater @@NAME@@. "That means that if the people want something, the people get it. I hate to say it, but in the name of political freedom, we need to accept that our country will have the death penalty."
The Result: the death penalty has been reintroduced
2. "I'm sorry," says Civil Rights Unionist @@RANDOMNAME@@, "but this travesty cannot be allowed to pass. If the government needs to crack down on lunatic fringe groups in order to keep our great nation free of the death penalty, then so be it. We must ban the politics of hatred and fear!"
The Result: extreme political groups are outlawed
#013: Too Much Yakking, Already, Say Delegation
The Issue
Some people say @@NAME@@'s policy on free speech has gone too far.
The Debate
1. "These days, anyone says whatever they want with no regard to what kind of dribble is coming out of their mouths!" says angry commuter @@RANDOMNAME@@. "It's gone too far. We should go back to the good old days, when if someone started talking garbage, we'd smack them one."
The Result: the right to free speech is being drastically curtailed
Civil Rigts -2
2. "We need more free speech, not less," argues civil rights campaigner @@RANDOMNAME@@. "Free speech allows ideas to be explored, challenged, and discussed in a productive, open forum. It teaches our kids to be critical thinkers. And dirty words, of course, but that's just the price you pay."
The Result: NATION's children are widely acknowledged as the most foul-mouthed in the
3. "The right to free speech is a central tenet of our system of democracy," says religious leader @@RANDOMNAME@@. "But surely the right to not have your religious beliefs mocked by others is worth something, too? We mustn't put up with intolerance!"
The Result: it is a crime to offend someone's religious beliefs
#014: Military Demands Increased Spending
The Issue
The Department of Defense has put its case for a substantial increase in funding for the coming financial year.
The Debate
1. "These are turbulent times we live in," says Defense Chief @@RANDOMNAME@@. "Turbulent and dangerous. And the only sensible response to that, of course, is to build a lot more weapons. Unless we get the funding we need, I can't promise that we'll be able to defend @@NAME@@'s sovereign borders from rogue nations and foreign powers. Or those leaky boatloads of refugees, for that matter."
The Result: military spending is on the increase
2. "NO MORE BOMBS," chant the protestors outside Parliament House, in a repetitious and increasingly annoying appeal. Spokesperson @@RANDOMNAME@@, speaking through a feedback-afflicted microphone, says, "@@NAME@@ needs fewer weapons, not more! Make the world a safer place! Disarm now!"
The Result: military funding has been stripped back
#015: More Police Needed
The Issue
As crime rates rise, some in the community are calling for increased policing.
The Debate
1. "Just the other day, I got mugged in the broad daylight!" says ruffian @@RANDOMNAME@@. "And the ironic thing is I had just stuck up this other guy. When muggers are getting mugged, even I have to admit that crime has gotten out of control. We do need more police."
The Result: the police force is on a recruitment drive
2. "The solution to crime is not more police!" says noted sociologist and occasional crime novelist @@RANDOMNAME@@. "Studies repeatedly show that crime is caused by poverty and poor education. Increase government spending in these areas, and crime will fall! Maybe not overnight, but it will happen."
The Result: education and welfare spending are on the rise
3. "Yeah, good luck with that," says conservative leader and gun enthusiast @@RANDOMNAME@@. "Look, we do need more police, that's clear. But that's not enough. We need real punishments: sentences that will act as a genuine deterrent to people considering a life of crime. Like public floggings."
The Result: thieves are flogged in public for their crimes.
#016: @@MAJORINDUSTRY@@ Workers Strike!
The Issue
Workers across the nation have gone out on indefinite strike over what they claim are substandard wages in the @@MAJORINDUSTRY@@ industry.
The Debate
1. "We are the backbone of this country, and we demand a fair wage rise!" says union leader @@RANDOMNAME@@. "I don't think a 20% increase over two years is too much to ask. Unless the government forces employers to give us our due, we'll shut this whole industry down! Let's see how well @@NAME@@'s economy manages without any @@MAJORINDUSTRY@@, huh?"
The Result: the nation is ravaged by daily union strikes
2. "We pay our employees very generous wages," says employer representative @@RANDOMNAME@@. "Especially when you consider that without us, they'd be OUT ON THE STREET. Hear that, you scumbags? OUT ON THE STREET! Anyway, my point is, if you cave in, you make our entire industry uncompetitive. You can't do that in the global marketplace. It'll hurt the whole country. The best solution, economically speaking, would be to relax industrial laws and allow us to fire troublemakers on the spot."
The Result: employers may fire workers without giving any reason.
#017: Corporations Demand Political Say
The Issue
A well-heeled lobby group is pushing for the elimination of regulations that prevent corporations from donating money to political parties.
The Debate
1. "This is supposed to be a democratic country," @@MAJORINDUSTRY@@ industry spokesperson @@RANDOMNAME@@ says. "Yet these archaic laws say I can't donate money to support a political party. They put ceilings on the amount any party can spend on advertising. It's time to stop treating voters like children, and trust them to make up their own minds. Free the ballot box!"
The Result: corporations donate huge sums of money to favored politicians.
2. "You say political freedom, I hear vote-buying," says popular anarchist @@RANDOMNAME@@. "If these fat cats get their way, politicians will buy their own seat in Congress. And let's face it, a slick advertising campaign can convince a lot of apathetic voters. We need to tighten the laws, not repeal them. Money should have no place in politics!"
The Result: political parties are banned from advertising and receiving private donations
3. "Frankly, I don't see why we need to have elections at all," says your brother, @@RANDOMNAME@@, over a late-night malt whiskey. "You always seem to know what's best. Why not scrap the whole political system? It would make things so much simpler."
The Result: a dictator has seized power and outlawed elections
#018: Citizens Struggle Under "Unfair" Tax Burden
The Issue
A recent poll has revealed high levels of dissatisfaction among the populace about tax rates.
The Debate
1. "Do you know how much of my year's work goes to the government?" demanded angry worker @@RANDOMNAME@@. "Too much! Government spending has gotten way out of control. It needs big cuts in welfare, health, and education. But leave those subsidies to business alone. We need them to create jobs."
The Result: the government is reining in public spending
2. "It's not the AMOUNT of tax, it's where the burden falls," says student activist @@RANDOMNAME@@. "And at the moment, far too much of the burden is falling on the poor. People on high incomes still have more money than people on low incomes. I don't think I need to say anything more than that."
The Result: high-income earners pay a 100% tax rate.
3. "I don't object to the amount of tax, I object to where it's being spent," says social reformer @@RANDOMNAME@@. "I'd like to see everyone have a choice as to where their @@CURRENCY@@s go every time they fill out a tax return. Everyone would feel a lot better about opening their wallets if they had a say as to where the money went. I think you'd see a lot more public money going to education and a lot less to business."
The Result: citizens select which government department gets their income tax CURRENCYs
#019: @@NAME@@ Awash With Red-Rimmed Eyes
The Issue
National marijuana consumption has hit an all-time high, with alarming results, a new poll has found.
The Debate
1. "My factory's productivity is down ten percent since marijuana was decriminalized," complains employer @@RANDOMNAME@@. "And the number of thefts from the candy machine is off the scale. This so-called 'pot' needs to be banned in all public places. Let the junkies do what they want at home, but not in my workplace."
The Result: marijuana is legal in the privacy of your own home
2. "Whoa, dude, no need to get, like, you know," says Free Your Mind campaigner @@RANDOMNAME@@, from his parents' basement. "This is, like, a personal choice issue, you know. It's like... whoa, just back off what I want to do with my own body. Don't let the fascists win, man. There are some hot new eckies coming in soon, they should be legal too."
The Result: all recreational drugs are legal
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