Issues #060 - #079

#060: Supreme Court Nomination

The Issue

The death of 108 year old Supreme Court Justice @@RANDOMNAME@@ has created an opening on the bench. Below are the possible nominees.

The Debate

1. @@RANDOMNAME@@, the Former CEO of @@NAME@@ Products, says "I have long sat by and watched our government viciously attack the big businesses in this country. The government has no right to control businesses and I will adopt that position in all of my judgements."

The Result: needs to be updated

2. Reverend @@RANDOMNAME@@ is nominee #2. The Reverend says "I am sick and tired of the liberals in this country ruining our family values. Every day they assault our basic sense of decency. You must vote for me to keep our families safe. Think of the children!"

The Result: needs to be updated

3. Gay Activist and former Senator @@RANDOMNAME@@ is nominee #3. "Our people aren't happy, we need more freedom, we need more civil rights. We must keep the government out of the bedroom. We must respect people's right to privacy and remember that personal relations are just that, personal."

The Result: needs to be updated

4. Environmental Activist @@RANDOMNAME@@ argues, "Our government has been constantly violating Mother Earth and her rights, all our politicians talk about are civil rights, civil rights this, civil rights that, blah blah blah. We aren't important, what is important is the Earth!"

The Result: needs to be updated

5. The last nominee is the retired Five Star General @@RANDOMNAME@@. "We are ridiculed throughout the international community for our low quality weaponry, our police and military numbers are not sufficient. Our military must be protected from both constitutional and civilian oversight. They should be given money, and a free hand."

The Result: needs to be updated

6. Finally, a tomato flies by your head flung by an angry protester. "We want to elect our own judges! This is a democracy! More power to the people! We don't want a lapdog! Separation of Powers! Get the government out of the judicial system!" He chucks another tomato at you before security escorts him out of your private office.

The Result: needs to be updated

#061: Should The Government Grant Estates And Titles Of Nobility?

The Issue

A peculiar confederacy of small-government advocates, regular attendees at @@NAME@@'s annual Medieval Faire, and the super rich have demanded that the government grant estates and confer titles of nobility upon certain influential persons.

The Debate

1. "Of course I should be appointed as the Duke of @@CAPITAL@@," says multi-billionaire @@RANDOMNAME@@. "Not only would it be an apt reward for my contributions to @@NAME@@, but the citizens who become landed serfs on my estate would work harder than they ever have in all their lives." Adds small-government advocate @@RANDOMNAME@@, "Government would at last return to the local level, close to the people and the land to which they would be bound for life."

The Result: society and government have been organized according to a feudal hierarchy.

2. "I can't believe I'm hearing this," exclaims noted civil rights advocate @@RANDOMNAME@@. "Those who are behind this espouse a system that grants inordinate amounts of institutional power to the rich and ensures that no one will be able to climb the social ladder. Everyone in society must be granted an equal opportunity to succeed or fail. Say 'no' to a nobility!"

The Result: citizens are allowed to rise or fall based on their own merits.

3. "I think both of the other parties are taking this issue to the extreme," argues a learned elderly gentleman resting on a park bench. "All that's being advocated is giving those who have contributed to their nation a ceremonial title and a bit of land. Besides," he adds, "the government can tax their estate."

The Result: notable individuals are granted land and titles.

4. "A good day to thee, milord," counters @@RANDOMNAME@@, an amateur Medieval Faire actor dressed in period costume, "I would suggest that thou hasten thyself to spectate at the jousting competition this forenoon. Aye, quite a bout we have arrayed for thee this day. However, the whole affair could be much grander if only we received a few more gold crownes from the government. Aye, 'twould be a grand tourney of knightly skill and courage indeed!"

The Result: NATION's Medieval Faire is renowned as one of the best in the region.

#062: Oh, The Angst!

The Issue

In response to rising rates of depression related suicides, mental health groups have called for government funding to help support treatment programs, citing various surveys that indicate psychological disorders are often an overlooked problem.

The Debate

1. "Although it is often dismissed as an irrelevant complaint, depression is a real disease; it isn't just 'all in your head'," says @@RANDOMNAME@@, depression sufferer. "Depression has significant effects on groups and individuals, especially amongst teenagers. Every day, more and more people commit suicide because of this disease, but this could all be stopped if this country had a decent level of funding for support and public awareness programs."

The Result: citizens are encouraged to report friends, family members or co-workers who seem depressed to the government for "counselling".

2. "Screw them," @@RANDOMNAME@@, talkback radio host, stated yesterday. "Depression isn't a disease, it's just another example of today's youth finding something to complain about. Life's never been better. In fact, just yesterday, I bought my fourth BMW. And even if it is as serious as the bleeding hearts claim, then I say we leave it and cut some of the funding being wasted on these head cases. If a few whiners jump off a bridge, it'll be good for the genepool. Natural selection, my friends. It's a great thing."

The Result: psychological disorders are a taboo subject.

3. "Actually, a lot of depression cases in teens are related to school and all the stress and pressure young people are under to succeed. A greater effort to correct the problem of depression should start there, with more funding so that schools can provide better counseling programs." Comments Dr. @@RANDOMNAME@@, author of the book "Tomato Soup for the Soul". "That way teens who are depressed can get help even if their parents can't or won't take them to see a psychologist."

The Result: schools have extensive counseling programs for troubled students.

#063: Tykes With Tools?

The Issue

A controversial newspaper investigation reveals that as many as 30% of all children are employed in a dangerous environment.

The Debate

1. @@RANDOMNAME@@, an orphanage foster parent, says, "Child labor should be outlawed! Too many times I have received children who only know manual labor. We have to give these children an education and a chance at a real future. Think of the children!" @@RANDOMNAME@@, a bum on the street, agrees, "Forget about what's best for the children. They're stealing my work! The only way to get an entry job in this market is to either be younger than 12 and willing to work for nothing, or to knock off a kid and be there to fill the opening, and still be willing to work for nothing."

The result: needs to be updated

2. Unemployed parent @@RANDOMNAME@@ begs that you keep child labor legal. "You can't outlaw child labor; we need the extra money that my 13 children earn. Since both my spouse and I were laid off, the only way to get enough money to feed both of us is to have all of our kids employed. In fact, with the downswing in the economy we're expecting another kid to close the gap."

The result: needs to be updated

3. Fat cat factory owner @@RANDOMNAME@@ steps over the bum in the street and explains, "You don't understand. You shouldn't make child labor illegal, you should subsidize it. By employing these kids I'm giving them valuable life lessons. I didn't go to school and see where I am now? I'm giving them work experience, making them highly employable for the 15 years of their expected lives."

The result: needs to be updated

#064: Put The "Board" Back In Board Of Education

The Issue

The @@NAME@@ Teachers' Union, complaining of a steady increase in student disciplinary problems, wants to be able to use corporal punishment to correct misbehavior.

The Debate

1. "Clearly, parents aren't teaching manners at home," says @@RANDOMNAME@@, the union president. "All we want is to be able to take a paddle to their backsides when there are problems. It's not like we want to throw the kids in jail."

The result: needs to be updated

2. "Keep your hands off my kids!" shouts @@RANDOMNAME@@, while protesting outside of union headquarters. "If there's a problem, it's with the teachers not having the skills to do their jobs. They should be tested for qualifications!"

The result: needs to be updated

3. "Corporal punishment would only treat a symptom of the bigger problem: our education system is in need of an overhaul," says @@RANDOMNAME@@, @@NAME@@'s education minister. "We need smaller class sizes, more teachers, better buildings, and better pay. It'll cost, but it'll pay off in the long run."

The result: needs to be updated

4. "Why don't we just abolish the schools and home-school the kids?" asks @@RANDOMNAME@@, education coordinator for the @@NAME@@ First Omnimenical Church. "That way parents can stress the values they want their kids to have and give them the attention they need."

The result: needs to be updated

#065: Should Martial Law be declare

The Issue

In response to increasing crime and violence across @@NAME@@, the people are crying out for some degree of order.

The result: needs to be updated

The Debate

1. "Placing the military in charge of government affairs will be a disaster" says @@RANDOMNAME@@, as a random thug steals the shirt off their back. "You can't scare people straight! What we need is reform and respect for civil rights and our political freedom. You will have none of that under Martial Law."

The result: needs to be updated

2. "It’s not that way at all," argues army general @@RANDOMNAME@@. "The fact is, if we don't implement some sort of order this country will fall into a state of anarchy. I urge you to act strongly and proactively before it is too late. We must exercise complete control over the populace to restore peace and security. Martial Law must be implemented, curfews established, and elections temporarily suspended. Only by doing this can we hope to have a future for @@NAME@@."

The result: needs to be updated

3. "Look, we do need more security, but we can't sacrifice our freedoms. Just increase the police force and call in the National Guard," says @@RANDOMNAME@@. "We need order, but Martial Law is too drastic and restricting".

The result: needs to be updated

#066: Transsexual Demands Recognition In Chosen Gender

The Issue

After the tabloid magazine "The Bun" outed a supermodel to have been born male, the state has anulled her marriage to her husband.

The Debate

1. "I have gone through twenty years of internal pain about my external appearance and I put so much effort and money into finally having the world see the real me!" says transsexual activist @@RANDOMNAME@@. "The government needs to recognize my true gender as well as cover the surgeries and medicines needed to get me where I am today!"

The result: needs to be updated

2. "Transsexuals are delusional if they think they will ever be members of their gender they wish they were." says right-wing radio show host @@RANDOMNAME@@. "It is a biological fact that our gender is determined by our chromosomes, anyone who tries to act like the gender they are not should be immediately arrested and taken to a psychiatrist!"

The result: needs to be updated

3. "You know everyone, gender isn't a black and white proposition," states self-identified "genderqueer" @@RANDOMNAME@@. "There are XX males, XY females, and many people who have ambiguous sexual characteristics or just don't feel they belong in categories such as male or female. The government must recognize our existence!"

The result: needs to be updated

#067: Most Likely To Secede

The Issue

A group of bearded militiamen have recently declared rural @@RANDOMNAME@@ County a sovereign and independent nation! @@NAME@@'s talk radio pundits demand immediate government action.

The Debate

1. "Gov'mint's not workin' fo' folks 'round here," says @@RANDOMNAME@@, a turnip farmer, "We have ourselves a guar-un-teed right to form a gov'mint that works for us. We don't want any confrontation, now, we just want to shake hands and let ya'll get along with yer business while we get along with ours."

The result: needs to be updated

2. "I can't believe this!" shouts General Bill Sherman. "This is tantamount to treason! Our political system would collapse if whole territories were allowed to leave at any time. It would be chaos! I propose that you let me take care of the problem... permanently."

The result: needs to be updated

3. "Perhaps we can reach a suitable middle ground," says an elderly gentleman resting on a park bench, "If we were to bring government close to the people, and allow them to have a modicum of self-determination, perhaps they wouldn't feel the need to secede. Let's give the local governments more power."

The result: needs to be updated

4. "Our last caller made a really good point," says talk radio host @@RANDOMNAME@@. "These decent, hard working citizens are clearly being brainwashed by @@NAME@@ Public Radio's prattle. I don't want my tax @@CURRENCY@@s supporting their agenda. Therefore, the answer is clear: dismantle @@NAME@@ Public Radio."

The result: needs to be updated

#068: Ornery Overcrowding Problem

The Issue

A survey recently released by the @@NAME@@ Housing Authority indicates that the country's burgeoning population is rapidly leading to a housing crisis as families find themselves crammed into increasingly cramped living spaces.

The Debate

1. "What we need are more high rises, whether low-cost or fancy condos," says demographic expert @@RANDOMNAME@@. "They're efficient, waste little land, and wouldn't you love to wake up to the bright cheery sky in front of you every morning? Of course, there's the problem of higher contagious disease transmission, but I'm sure our health system is robust enough for that. Not to mention all the jobs these new buildings will bring."

The result: needs to be updated

2. "All these industrial factories take up so much space," argues social welfare commentator @@RANDOMNAME@@. "The fact is, not only do they pollute, but they hog land that is better used for low-cost housing. Studies show that apartments are just too cramped for people to be comfortable in. We would be a lot better off in simple single-floor houses. Especially if they're subsidised by the government."

The result: needs to be updated

3. "This raises an interesting issue," says @@RANDOMNAME@@, staunch supporter of birth control. "And that is: why do we need to build more housing anyway? Why don't we just limit the number of children each family can have? Besides, pregnancy causes all sorts of complications. We're better off with less of it anyway."

The result: needs to be updated

#069: Power Problems Need Bright Solution

The Issue

The oldest power station in @@NAME@@ suffered a catastrophic failure last night, plunging a third of @@NAME@@'s national power supply grid into darkness. There is no debate that it needs to be replaced, but the question is with what?

The Debate

1. "The solution is clear," says environmental activist @@RANDOMNAME@@. "Wind turbines and solar power stations are the cleanest there are. We must switch power production to forms of renewable energy, that will never run out. The only minor problems are that wind farms will take up a great deal of space and of course we can't exactly rely on the weather. It isn't as though we control it. But think of how much healthier people will be without all that pollution!"

The Result: prime real estate is devoted to wind farms and solar energy generators.

2. "Wind power? Solar collectors? Bah! Have you ever wondered when the least amount of strain is placed on the national grid? WHEN THE SUN IS SHINING!" exclaims Southern @@NAME@@ Electra official @@RANDOMNAME@@. "We need power under our control, and cheaply. Coal has been the cheapest and most abundant power source for ages. We don't need this airy fairy wind malarky when we have cheap and reliable power available for all. True, pollution will be a bit on the heavy side but I'm sure that's only a minor problem, with how well funded our health system is!"

The Result: vile black smog from coal power plants has enveloped several major urban centres.

3. "Now the way I see it is that it's either green, expensive, and sprawling; or compact, polluting and cheap. Wouldn't it be nice if we had the best of both worlds? Well, we can!" claims fission technician @@RANDOMNAME@@. "Nuclear power is reliable, clean, and although it isn't cheap, it won't break the bank. There is a risk of deadly meltdown, but this is relatively small, and the only people who could be against this are anti-nuclear protesters, but what do we care about those tree-hugging hippies?"

The Result: protesters are up in arms over new nuclear power stations.

#070: Purge The Infidels!

The Issue

The fanatical religious organization @@NAME@@'s Concerned Citizens for Our God has brought it to your attention that there are many non-believers in your nation, and that they think something should be done about this.

The Debate

1. "We already have an official religion," says @@RANDOMNAME@@, the white cloaked spokesperson for @@NAME@@'s Concerned Citizens. "Why not enforce it? After all, the only way to Heaven is through Us and Our God. If they will not believe in Our Loving and Forgiving God, well, clearly they must be PUT TO DEATH."

The result: needs to be updated

2. "Put to death? Is this really the type of person you want to listen to?" says @@RANDOMNAME@@. "Every day I thank God that I'm an agnostic and don't need to believe this nonsense. Religion shouldn't have anything to do with our government. You should get rid of it immediately!"

The result: needs to be updated

3. "They're right, religion shouldn't have a role in our government, but they don't go far enough," says @@RANDOMNAME@@ at a local AA (Atheists Anonymous) meeting. "Few things have caused more death and suffering in this world than religion. Just look at the Crusades and the Jihads throughout history! This should be treated like the mental disorder that it is. Remember, religion teaches intolerance, and we cannot accept that!"

The result: needs to be updated

4. "Oh Lord, please don't let our noble leader listen to these extremists!" prays your religious advisor, @@RANDOMNAME@@. "Religion is an important guiding force in peoples lives, but we have no right to force it on people. Atheists, since they don't have a religion, are less ethical and their actions cost society more, so it's only fair that they should be taxed more heavily to make up the difference."

The result: needs to be updated

#071: Minority Group Demands Language Recognition

The Issue

A group several thousands strong hailing from a remote, isolated corner of @@NAME@@ is staging a massive demonstration on the front steps of your capitol. They demand that their local dialect be recognized as an official language.

The Debate

1. @@RANDOMNAME@@, your Minister of Culture, has nothing but disdain for the demonstrators. "The language of @@NAME@@ is as important to our national identity as our history is. A truly erudite individual uses perfect grammar and refuses to speak as those ruffians do." Your Finance Minister is quick to chime in as well, "If business is required to print every road sign, instruction manual, and fast-food wrapper in two languages, it would increase everybody's overhead. That means higher prices for the person in the street."

The Result: a National Academy regulates grammar and usage.

2. "Smarker, but ee's gone blongie 'round the clonger! Trandy in the blang warked a newtie on the Cheebers, quaff me a duggle if it's brine. Sorky, hang our trandy high!" says @@RANDOMNAME@@, speaking for the demonstrators, in an apparently rousing response that draws a cascade of cheers. After a few uncomfortable minutes with a professional translator, you find the speaker said, "I respectfully disagree with the Minister. Multilingualism has brought stability to richly-cultured nations such as Brancaland; indeed, I challenge you to provide a single counterexample. I encourage this government to adopt a policy of multilingualism throughout @@NAME@@!"

The Result: children are raised bilingual from an early age.

3. @@RANDOMNAME@@, a radical opposition member who seems to tag along to every demonstration she can find, has her own proposal. "The language barrier is keeping us all apart. What @@NAME@@ needs is a new identity defined by a new language that we can all agree on. That's unity without favoritism."

The Result: the government is attempting to impose a new national language on the public.

#072: Widening Buttocks Cause Movie Theater Havoc

The Issue

Several festively chubby people were lodged in their movie theater seats for hours, as @@NAME@@'s Fire Department worked to free them. Health organizations are now expressing concern over the problem of obesity in @@NAME@@.

The Debate

1. "Clearly, we have to do something about the expanding obesity problem in @@NAME@@, er, no pun intended," remarks @@RANDOMNAME@@ of the National Health Bureau. "The government should implement an extensive exercise management program and make it mandatory that all citizens participate in some kind of exercise at least once a week."

The result: needs to be updated

2. "Mandatory exercise! Get out! I don't have the time!" snorts nationally renowned TV chef @@RANDOMNAME@@. "How about banning those greasy fast food joints and drive-thrus? I mean, seriously, if you can't get out of your stupid car to walk in and get a meal, how sad is that? Ban fast food and make junk food more expensive--that way, people will have to think about whether they really want to spend ten @@CURRENCY@@s on a snack cake."

The result: needs to be updated

3. "I don't see why it's anyone's business but my own how I kill myself," says @@RANDOMNAME@@, a pleasantly plump computer programmer, stuffing a chili dog down his throat. "My weight is my own business, and if I don't feel like exercising, that's my choice. Sure, it'd be healthier to lose a few pounds, but my priorities lie elsewhere. Leave us alone, and we, the citizens of @@NAME@@, will decide what's important to us and what we want to eat."

The result: needs to be updated

4. "What about government-funded liposuction?" asks @@RANDOMNAME@@, while contemplatively chewing a mouthful of chili dog. "If I could get the fat sucked off of these hips, that would give me the willpower to stay thin. Obesity would be a thing of the past! Just think of it! Nothing but svelte, beautiful people everywhere! Ah, bliss!"

The result: needs to be updated

#073: @@NAME@@ - Without Cars, Going Nowhere Fast

The Issue

Ever since the government banned automobiles, furious soccer moms and commuters have been petitioning the government to revoke the ban, citing any number of troubles people have had without their cars.

The Debate

1. "The government was being utterly stupid in banning cars, especially at the whim of a bunch of nutjob, tree-hugging bicyclists!" cries @@RANDOMNAME@@, CEO of Coo' Stuff, Inc. "My workers are constantly late, they don't work as much because they have to leave early to walk or bike home... leaving this ban in place will only murder the economy!"

The result: needs to be updated

2. "Well, it's extremely difficult to drive my son to and from school and his after-school sports," comments soccer mom @@RANDOMNAME@@. "But I don't want my boy inhaling all those icky fumes. I say bring back cars, but put some effort into finding cleaner fuels and the like! Who cares if it costs a small fortune?"

The result: needs to be updated

3. "What do they know?" whispers a strange woman clad all in green. "You ought to clamp down on these protesters. Without cars, the people are much easier for you to control, are they not?"

The result: needs to be updated

#074: @@NAME@@'s Racers Growing Fast And Furious

The Issue

Illegal street racing and racing-related injuries are on the rise, causing many infamous racers to begin rallying for an officially sanctioned racing series and track facilities in order to safely satisfy their need for speed.

The Debate

1. "If you don't let us race on real racetracks, then we'll just keep running on the roads at night!" says racing fans' favorite @@RANDOMNAME@@, at the wheel of a tricked-out Honda. "Would it kill you guys to build a couple of nice big race facilities? Think of the money you'd make on charging admission and selling drinks and stuff! And it'd be a lot safer than all of us tearing around on public roads! Forget about the people griping about the noise pollution!"

The result: needs to be updated

2. "Don't tell me you plan to cater to these speed freaks!" police officer @@RANDOMNAME@@ comments over coffee and donuts. "Encouraging this sport is only going to increase the street racing problem because all these punks who can't afford to run the professional circuit are going to want to satisfy their lead feet the way they have been! What we need is more police funding to crack down on these punk hotrodders."

The result: needs to be updated

#075: Cutting Off Sex Offenders?

The Issue

After the capture and trial of notorious rapist Henry Taiden, who was convicted of the rape of over 50 women in the past two years a debate has emerged on how he should be punished.

The Debate

1. "That psychopath should be castrated!" cries rape victim @@RANDOMNAME@@, "The agony he put me through must be punished with a means that will ensure that no human being will ever go through what I did! If castration is used more often in these cases you will see rape drop to nothing!"

The Result: sex offenders find themselves cut off from the ability to repeat their crimes.

2. "I understand that this is a terrible time for the poor victims in this case," says defense attorney @@RANDOMNAME@@, "However, the answer is not to revert back to the dark ages. Instead, we should focus on rehabilitation of all criminals in our prison system."

The Result: re-education centers are being added to most prisons.

3. "Everyone knows re-education is a waste of money, we shouldn't go soft on these crooks!" says CEO @@RANDOMNAME@@ of the People Trading Corporation. "Simply place all rapists and criminals in @@NAME@@ into forced labor under the management of our company to serve out their sentences. When we're through with them, they won't even think of jaywalking, much less harming another person. We get cheap labor, and these crooks get put straight. Everybody benefits... well, except the crooks."

The Result: convicted felons are forced into slavery for their crimes.

#076: Suits in Protest

The Issue

Thousands of business men and women have taken to the streets in protest of their working conditions and pay. "It's not fair that we can't have a union," says @@RANDOMNAME@@, VP of Sales at SlothCorp. "Just because we make six figures doesn't mean we don't deserve overtime too! It's high time that the lower classes come to appreciate our hard efforts."

The Debate

1. @@RANDOMNAME@@, secretary of commerce, recommends you ignore these commies. "Free enterprise means not having to succumb to unions, and the world has enough unions already."

The Result: Pinkerton agents are called in to forcibly break up white collar strikes.

2. @@RANDOMNAME@@, secretary of labor, advises you to adjust laws to allow white-collar unions. "It only makes sense that all of the workers in our nation have equal opportunity to benefit from the advantages of collective bargaining."

The Result: CEOs and corporate executives are frequently found striking for better stock options.

3. "Get these people out of the street!" advises @@RANDOMNAME@@, local police chief. "They're blocking traffic, and making it impossible for the common man to drive to the megamall!"

The Result: protests are prohibited from blocking traffic.

4. Finally, Right Reverend @@RANDOMNAME@@ proclaims, "The downtrodden are suffering at the hands of the MAN, and these wealthy upper shelf vice presidents are asking to make the rich richer and the poor poorer! The only reason the common worker needs a union is to be able to fight against the oppression of these slave drivers! It's ludicrous that these greedy scrooges are asking for even MORE money! Send them packing and raise taxes on the wealthy to bring more equality to our nation!"

The Result: local executives are seen on the corner with cardboard signs reading "will oppress the masses for food".

#077: World To End, Or Possibly Just Mark Anniversary

The Issue

Along with the rest of the world, the citizens of @@NAME@@ have been stunned by the revelation of a small team of geophysical philosophers that the world turns exactly one year old today, as measured by what they call "RL units". (Congratulations on finding so many easter eggs. As a reward, here is the special issue our players got when NationStates turned one year old.)

The Debate

1. "Frankly, I saw this coming -- all the signs of the Apocalypse are here," says local community leader @@RANDOMNAME@@. "Moral standards are falling, the government is making increasingly erratic decisions, and people are neglecting their work to play bizarre political simulation games on the internet. There's only one sensible reaction: declaring a state of emergency, sending out the military, and shooting curfew breakers until the crisis is over."

The result: needs to be updated

2. "With respect, I don't think falling moral standards are the problem," says cubicle dweller and Slashdot karma god @@RANDOMNAME@@. "The issue is what's going to happen to our computers if the world clock ticks over from 0 to 1. This Y1 problem, as I call it, could be devastating for our IT industry unless it's tackled swiftly. And by tackled swiftly, I mean given a massive injection of public money."

The result: needs to be updated

3. "Why panic when you should be partying?" says @@RANDOMNAME@@, not completely soberly. "It's the first birthday of the world, man -- let people go nuts! If the government has a shred of decency, they'll order the cops to back off and let people really enjoy this incredible moment in history."

The result: needs to be updated

4. "This is neither a time for clamping down, nor, as they say, going off," says religious leader @@RANDOMNAME@@. "Rather, we should encourage people to reflect on the great mysteries of life. For example, what is God, to each of us? What is the true meaning of faith? And is the world around us reality, or are we instead living inside a simulated reality that exists only for the amusement of beings we cannot even imagine?"

The result: needs to be updated

5. "Well, I know what I'll be doing," says obscure author and Perl amateur Max Barry. "Sitting at home with a good book! Jennifer Government, for instance, is a cracking read. And I hear that some of the profits go into maintaining a cool web game. But of course, that's just my opinion. People should celebrate however they want."

#078: Easter Egg: Should We Pull The Lever?

The Issue

During the middle of the night, someone has mysteriously put a lever in the middle of the city park. On it, it says, "Pull the Lever, And See The World End."

The Debate

1. "I've always wanted to see the apocalypse." says an elderly man on a park bench. "All that fire and brimstone. To see God's wrath. Something I can tell my grandchildren about later on. I say we should."

The result: needs to be updated

2. "Not on your life!" says his wife sitting next to him. "If you pull that lever, we'll have no grandchildren, no life, only heaven and hell. Don't you dare pull that lever."

The result: needs to be updated

3. "Now, don't think of it as a do/don't option," says a hot dog vendor. "What if we give tours so that people can see the lever? Not to touch it of course, but to see that humanity can be ruined by such a contraption. We can make a profit."

The result: needs to be updated

#079: @@NAME@@'s @@ANIMAL@@s: Going The Way Of The Dodo?

The Issue

The @@ANIMAL@@ is on the brink of extinction, largely due to people hunting them down for tasty @@ANIMAL@@-kabobs and @@ANIMAL@@burgers, and as ecological disaster looms, various factions are all calling for what they feel should be done about the @@ANIMAL@@.

The Debate

1. "This is an outrage!" shouts @@RANDOMNAME@@, outspoken member of the @@NAME@@ Wilderness Protection Movement. "The government has to put a stop to the out of control hunting of our beloved @@ANIMAL@@s. Do you want our children and grandchildren to miss witnessing the spectacle of wild @@ANIMAL@@s prancing freely in our forests?"

The result: needs to be updated

2. "Who cares what happens to some dumb wild pest?", scoffs @@RANDOMNAME@@, employee of @@NAME@@ National Lumber, "If they're endangered it's 'cause they were too weak to adapt. They probably deserve to be killed off. With them out of the way, we could clear-cut the forests @@ANIMAL@@s like to hide in, which would really boost the economy through the timber industry!"

The result: needs to be updated

3. "Nature is hardly a black and white issue," @@RANDOMNAME@@, a respected scholar, notes. "We should start a breeding program to help these creatures recover their numbers. We can display them in captivity, and gradually release them into the wild. Couple it with limiting, but not abolishing @@ANIMAL@@ hunting, and everyone benefits. Of course, @@ANIMAL@@s raised in captivity don't generally survive in the wild, but I'm sure we can find a way!"
The result: needs to be updated